


you left me in ruins

by what_a_dork_fish



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Erik, M/M, This is just a mess, Time Skips, Trans Charles, Unplanned Pregnancy, oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-21 18:37:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15563988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_a_dork_fish/pseuds/what_a_dork_fish
Summary: Troubles arise on the quest for mutants.





	1. in the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I've no idea what I'm doing.

Erik wasn’t sure why they were having sex.

He knew Charles was having fun. It was the way he moaned breathlessly, the way he clung to Erik with all his strength, the way he whispered encouragement and filthy, filthy promises. Erik was hard, yes, and he was doing his best, but he didn’t know if he’d be able to come.

He did, though. He barely felt anything pleasurable, just a tingle in his pelvis, but he definitely did. He kept going, until Charles came too. Then they lay together, panting and sweaty.

Erik moved first. He pulled out and rolled off of Charles, though he wasn’t sure if he should leave the bed or not. He was tired. And too warm. And he felt kind of sick, like he usually did after sex.

“Did you not like it?” Charles asked, slightly nervous.

“Did you?” Erik countered, turning his head to look at Charles.

Charles certainly looked nervous. “Well, yes,” he said.

“Then I did too,” Erik replied firmly.

“You didn’t.” Charles looked hurt now, and Erik felt an odd emotion that he supposed might be guilt. “Why didn’t you say?”

“Because I thought you liked it.”

“Well, I mean, yes, I did, but—but you didn’t have to.”

Erik tried to hold Charles’ hand, but Charles pulled away. So Erik sat up and turned and put his feet on the floor. He couldn’t bring himself to stand. He was too tired.

Charles sat up too. “Why didn’t you like it?” he asked softly.

Erik scowled at the floor. “I don’t like sex,” he said shortly. “With anyone.”

“Oh.”

There was a tense silence. Erik gripped the edge of the bed tightly. He was cold, now, as well as sticky and tired and annoyed. But really, it wasn’t his fault. So there was something wrong with him. So what? Charles should’ve asked before kissing him and undoing his belt. They wouldn’t be unhappy with each other if he’d just _asked_.

Charles slid out of bed and padded to the bathroom. Erik sat there and felt the sickness in his stomach spread. This always happened. He’d decided early on that it had nothing to do with the gender of the person he slept with; it was something wrong in his head, that he couldn’t find pleasure in that most basic of animal behaviors. Instead of sending him spiraling into a mess of pain and guilt, it just made him even more tired.

He shouldn’t have done this.

~

The problem with Charles was that he didn’t do anything by halves.

He always threw himself into a problem with enthusiasm and wild abandon. He may have wanted balance between mutants and humans, but until that day came, he was willing to do absolutely anything to protect other mutants and let them know they were not alone. He just didn’t understand the idea of constraint.

Which was why he pulled away from Erik completely. No more touching. No more affectionate teasing. No more sweet smiles and shining eyes. Everything was polite again, with no undercurrent that more might be forthcoming.

Erik wasn’t sure who he was angrier with: himself or Charles.

It became too much when Charles said one day, “I think we should go back.”

“Why? We’re not done with the list,” Erik protested, frowning.

Charles bit his lip, troubled. Then he replied, “I just think… maybe it’d be better to have Raven.”

Erik stared at him, stunned into silence. Systematically, things in his brain started shutting down. Pieces of himself that Charles had managed to coax into the light slid back into shadow. He _felt_ himself revert to what he was before Charles broke into his world like a sunbeam.

“Fine,” Erik said shortly.

It was Charles’ turn to stare. Erik turned away and went back to packing his bag again.

Erik hadn’t cried since he was fourteen, but he came dangerously close that night. It was all ruined. This careful construct of tentative hope and friendship, destroyed.

All because they fucked.

He decided it must be his fault. It was because he was broken. If he were normal, he wouldn’t mind sleeping with Charles, if only to keep their friendship going. But he _was_ broken and he _wasn’t_ normal. So he hid his face in his pillow and did not cry.

~

They were five days away from the facility when Charles kissed him again.

He didn’t kiss back this time.

And then Charles was crying and sobbing apologies and backing away. Erik didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust himself not to snarl at Charles. He felt nothing, seeing Charles cry like his heart was broken. He knew he should, he knew that a normal person would be at least uncomfortable, but he wasn’t normal, now, was he? So he felt nothing, and said nothing, and eventually Charles went away and cried somewhere else.

They were four days away from the facility when Charles broke down again, this time with no apparent stimuli, and Erik just waited until he went away to keep reading his newspaper.

They were three days away from the facility when Charles woke up silent and didn’t speak for the whole day, dull-eyed and passive.

They were two days away from the facility when Erik found Charles in the bathroom, vomiting copiously. Something told Erik that this wasn’t right. Well, of course it wasn’t, Charles wasn’t ill, he hadn’t eaten anything off, but this was even wronger than that. So he got a glass of water for Charles and wrapped him in a blanket and sat with him in the bathroom until he was done vomiting.

They were one day away when Erik found the pregnancy test that read positive.

~

“Why are you stopping?” Charles asked, when Erik pulled over to the side of the road halfway to the facility.

Erik turned and glared at him. “When were you going to tell me?” he retorted shortly.

Charles stared, confused. Then his eyes widened, and his face blanked.

“I wasn’t going to,” he answered.

“Why not?”

“Because…” Charles looked down. He might’ve been looking at his stomach. “Because I didn’t know how you’d react,” he mumbled.

Erik’s mouth tightened. He didn’t know how he was going to react either. He’d been stewing all night, trying to think about what it meant. How this was going to affect them both. But all he’d been able to think about was how angry he’d been that Charles hadn’t told him.

“What are you going to do about it?” he asked.

Charles’ shoulders slumped. “I don’t know,” he whispered. Tears started collecting on his eyelashes. “I just… I don’t know.”

~

Charles only told one person when they got back to the facility. And she—because of course it was Raven—actually stomped up to Erik and slapped him, putting all her force behind it, so that he staggered back, surprised.

“You _fucker_!” she hissed, actually shaking with rage. “Who the _fuck_ gave you the right to do that to him?!”

“I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask me to do,” Erik retorted, scowling.

Raven punched him in the gut and he almost fell. Then she whipped around and walked away, radiating fury.

Erik stayed away from her after that, and tried to ignore her basilisk glares.

Charles put on a cheerful face, but it was obvious he was still at war with himself. Everyone started to notice. And everyone seemed to decide it was Erik’s fault. He wouldn’t have minded, except that they all began to act very aggressive towards him, even Hank, who was about as far from aggressive as they came. No one would let them be alone together, either, which just meant that they couldn’t talk about the Problem, as Erik had begun to call it in his head.

Finally, though, there was word received of where Shaw was going to be. And they prepared to go there.

~

It was amazing, how the diamond woman froze, and stared at Charles.

“You’re pregnant!” she blurted.

Charles turned red as a beetroot in seconds. “S-so?” he countered. “Why does it matter?”

“Why are you running around like this if you’re pregnant?” the woman snapped, scowling. “Something’s going to happen to it and then where will you be?!”

“I—“ Charles seemed at a loss for words, but his face showed how frightened he was.

Anger like Erik had never felt before coiled in his gut. He didn’t understand where it came from. He didn’t care. All that he knew was that she was frightening Charles, and she didn’t seem to notice. She went on a rant about overexertion being bad for infants, and Charles just looked smaller and smaller and more and more frightened and Erik couldn’t take it anymore the moment she said “—the father should be _ashamed_ , letting you put yourself and your child in danger—“ he tackled her to the ground and slammed her hands against the foot of the bed, ripping bars free to wrap around her wrists and pin her.

She gaped up at him. “You?” she spluttered. “ _You’re_ the—“

“Tell us where Shaw is,” Erik interrupted, tightening the bars around her wrists.

She pressed her lips together and stayed silent.

“Fine.” Erik wrapped another bar around her neck quick as thought, and tightened it, slowly but surely. Diamond cracked.

“Erik, that’s enough!”

It wasn’t. She’d scared Charles. Nothing would be enough short of death.

“Erik!”

But he let go anyway. The red mist faded. He backed away. But he did not take his eyes off of her, nor did he loosen the bars holding her down.

~

No one was around in the barracks when Charles approached Erik.

“We need to talk,” Charles said nervously.

“Couldn’t agree more,” Erik replied, and sat sideways on the edge of his bed. Charles sat slowly, one hand on his stomach. A protective gesture? For him or the fetus?

“I’m… I’m thinking of abortion,” Charles mumbled.

Erik fought his immediate response of shouting “NO!” at Charles. It wasn’t his decision. He wasn’t the one carrying the baby, and he didn’t want it anyway. So why should he say no? “You’re not sure, though,” he said instead.

Charles shook his head. “I’ve sort of wanted a baby for years now,” he confessed, “I just… never had the time. And I was scared.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m still scared.”

Erik couldn’t help himself. He reached over and touched Charles’ stomach. Charles flinched faintly, but did not pull away.

“If you want it, why don’t you keep it?” he asked reasonably.

Charles stared at him. “Because… because the time isn’t right,” Charles replied. “There’s so much we have to do—“

“And it will be over and done with in nine months.”

“What if it’s not?”

“Charles.” Erik raised his hand and touched Charles’ cheek. “It will be. I promise.”

Charles didn’t look convinced. But he nodded.

Erik leaned forward and kissed his forehead gently. “It will be okay,” he murmured.


	2. At the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the ending happy and I don't know why

“Do you want to see a photo of her?”

Erik frowned at Charles. “Who?” he asked.

Charles looked like he regretted the outburst, but he wasn’t going to take it back. “Our daughter,” he said.

Erik blinked. For some reason, he’d never even contemplated getting to see his and Charles’ child. He’d wondered if they were alright, if they were safe, if they were loved, but he hadn’t thought he’d ever get to see them.

“Yes,” he said softly.

Charles took out his wallet and pulled out a photo, holding it out in a hand that shook only a little. Erik took the photo and looked at it.

A solemn little girl looked back at him. She had Charles’ bright blue eyes, but Erik’s mother’s face. Her hair was wavy and chin-length. She seemed to be judging him through the photograph.

His throat closed. “What’s her name?” he asked.

“Helen.”

Erik frowned slightly, but it was too late now to protest the name. So he handed the photo back. “How old is she?”

“She’ll be ten in a couple months.”

They lapsed into silence, both staring at the chessboard to avoid looking at each other. Erik had so many questions. But he knew Charles would only get angry if he asked.

So he said nothing.

~

Charles placed a call from the hotel room they were all squeezed into. There was no other accommodation to be found. This was too monumental an occasion. So the four men were in a two-bed room, with two cots set out. Logan had pled a bad back, so he was currently stretched out on one of the beds, looking smug. Hank was in the chair at the desk, doing something to a radio. Charles was sitting on the edge of the second bed with the phone, looking nervous.

Then his face transformed with a grin, and he said, “Hello, wee. It’s me.”

“DADDY!” the voice on the other end screamed joyously. Charles smiled wider.

Erik went and hid in the bathroom. He couldn’t… he couldn’t bear seeing Charles so happy. It wasn’t that he thought Charles didn’t deserve to be happy, because Charles _did_ deserve happiness. It was just that he couldn’t bear to think of what he had abandoned. What he had ruined.

Erik hid until he was sure Charles was done talking. Then he emerged. Logan was asleep, Hank was still fiddling, and Charles was staring at the floor, his face troubled.

There was no point staying awake. They’d have to be up early tomorrow. So Erik laid down on one of the cots and tried to sleep.

He must have managed, because when he opened his eyes it was dark. He’d awoken because someone was walking softly over to him.

“Erik?” Charles whispered.

He turned his head to look up at Charles. “What?”

Charles knelt beside him. Then he touched Erik’s hair, timidly.

“I can’t sleep,” he admitted softly.

Erik sat up, hesitated, then pulled Charles into a hug. Charles hugged back immediately. After a moment, he began to tremble and sniffle a little bit.

“I missed you,” he mumbled into Erik’s shoulder.

Erik decided to tell the truth. “I missed you too,” he murmured.

“Holy shit, just go to bed,” Logan groaned sleepily.

Charles hugged Erik tighter. Erik thought about it for a moment, then pulled Charles on to the cot with him. Charles squeaked, then followed willingly.

Erik lay awake for a long time after Charles fell asleep, stroking Charles’ hair, feeling his heart ache. He didn’t love Charles. He really didn’t. He wasn’t sure _what_ he felt. But he wanted to keep him safe. Make him happy. Protect him.

Erik hugged Charles close and felt more broken than ever.

~

It was only when he was halfway across the ocean after almost killing the president that he realized he’d never met his daughter.

No. It was better if he didn’t. Let her grow up untainted. Let her grow up as Charles’ child. She would be safe with Charles. That was all Erik needed to know.

~

Magda wanted a child, and Erik cared for her, so he agreed.

Every time he looked at Nina, his sweet baby girl, he wondered how Helen was growing up.

Every time Nina asked why she didn’t have siblings, Erik’s throat closed around the words, “You do.”

Every time Magda murmured wistfully about having another child, Erik felt sick.

And then—

And then—

~

The pain that seared through him when he heard Charles’ voice in his head was akin to, but definitely different from, what he felt when his wife and daughter were killed in front of him.

Lost, lost, lost, all of it, lost and gone forever…

_It’s not lost, you prick!_

Erik jerked, his head snapping up, and he stared at the far wall, scrambling to place that voice.

_It’s not lost!_ We’re _not lost! Come home, damn it!_

Who…

_Helen, you fuck, who the hell else?!_

And suddenly Erik didn’t want to kill anymore.

~

It took a while to save the world, but eventually they did it.

Erik took off his helmet when Apocalypse was dead and threw it as far away from himself as possible. Since he gave it an extra push with his powers, it flew through three walls and embedded in a fourth with a crunch.

“ABOUT FUCKING TIME!” shouted a young female voice angrily.

On the heels of that flowed a sudden explosion of love and joy and a mental voice pleading, _Please, please, come back with us, I love you, come back with us_.

_Yes_ , he said in his head, and found himself walking towards Charles quickly, ignoring the rest of the world. _Yes_.

~

Helen hated Erik. She really did. He didn’t blame her. He deserved to be hated.

But sometimes, when she walked in on her fathers cuddling, or playing chess, or reading to each other, or strategizing, he felt a little burst of something from her. Call it love, call it grudging acceptance, call it anything, but it wasn’t hate.

Charles was still lovely. Erik still didn’t love him. But he cared for Charles. He knew that. He cared for Charles so deeply it hurt. And he cared for the children, these precocious, rambunctious, snot-nosed brats who looked at him with suspicion and fear. There was so much care in his chest that sometimes he thought he might explode from it.

The only people who knew this were Helen and Charles.

He didn’t mind at all.


End file.
